Mentor
by M.deboer
Summary: "But he would not let himself be seen that way, he would be that mentor for Kurt and ignore how much he needed one himself."
1. Prologue

**Warning: This story involves self harm that may get graphic in later chapters and is made mention of in the prologue, if you are uncomfortable reading this please do not continue. **

Everything seemed to fall into place after they had met on that staircase. They wouldn't let anything in the way of their friendship. Not the fact that they were in rival glee clubs, not the fact that they lived far away, not the fact that being seen together made one of them get harassed even worse, nothing. It was as if Kurt and Blaine were perfect, perfect together. They were just friends, neither boy would push beyond that, it was far too risky a relationship to go into. And so they happily remained friends. When Blaine helped Kurt through one of the worst times in his time being bullied, it created a bond between them. It strengthened their friendship, but at the same time, it gave it limits and it put pressure on Blaine. Blaine felt as though helping Kurt out of that situation put him in the 'mentor' role, and so he didn't feel like he could have any flaws. He was the superhero, the knight in shining armour, the protector. To the outside world it seemed like he had no flaws. But he had flaws. Every time he looked down and saw the blood on his wrists he was reminded of just how flawed he was. But he would not let himself be seen that way, he would be that mentor for Kurt and ignore how much he needed one himself.

Yeah. He was flawed. But no one had to know.


	2. Chapter 1

**Warning: Once again, this fic involves self harm, especially in this chapter; if you are uncomfortable with this DO NOT READ**

_Is this seriously how far you guys are in French? _Blaine read the neatly folded note that Kurt had just slipped onto his desk. He turned to Kurt, smiled, and nodded in reply. Kurt ripped the corner off of his notes and scribbled another note which he proceeded to fold into a neat triangle and slide onto Blaine's desk.

_Actually? This is like, McKinley level French. Admittedly it's a nice change to actually be ahead in something here. I wish I felt the same in History last period._ Blaine smiled to himself. Kurt knew going in that Dalton would be more advanced than McKinley, but he had always excelled at French. Kurt on numerous occasions worried that his marks were going to dip because of the increased difficulty. However, Blaine knew that Kurt would be just fine.

_Kurt, it's great that you already know this material, but I don't. So can we talk after class? _Blaine finished writing, folded the paper in half and put in on Kurt's desk. In all honesty, Blaine didn't need to listen. He was actually really good at French, but he couldn't talk to Kurt right now, and pretending to pay attention to the lesson was just a good excuse. Honestly, he wasn't in a fit state to talk to anyone. He was in one of those, for lack of a better word, moods. One of those moods where he couldn't think straight, where everything seemed wrong and he didn't know why. Where he hated his life, himself, everything. He didn't want to feel this way, especially with Kurt nearby. It only took the slightest thing to trigger these moods ever since... well; he didn't like to think of it, because maybe if he avoided thinking about it then it would be like it never happened. At least, that was what he told himself. It was only when he saw it out of the corner of his eye that Blaine realized that he was scratching at his wrists. The recently healed cuts had broken open. His opposite arm quickly shot into the air.

"Yes Blaine?" his teacher called.

"May I please be excused?" he asked, trying to hide the panic rising in his voice. His teacher nodded and gestured for him to get a hall pass from her desk. Blaine quickly rose from his seat, not bothering to pack up any of his things. He walked hurriedly to the front of the room to grab the hall pass, holding his arm tightly at his side. As soon as he was in the hall he broke into a run. He ran through the halls, slammed into the washroom door and hurried to lock himself in a stall. He pulled back his sleeves to give himself a clear view of his arms. Sure enough, the cuts on his wrists were bright scarlet from being scratched open, his head was pounding, his hands were shaking, but what scared him the most was that he wasn't scared of the sight of his wrists. In that moment, he didn't want them to go away. In fact, he just wanted to make them bigger. He wanted to push his nails deep into the sides, stretching the cuts, making them longer and thicker- Blaine didn't think when he was like this. He just did. It was like he couldn't control himself, like his brain wasn't working... that part came after. It was after this happened that affected Blaine the most, because that was when he realized what he had done. He would see the fruits of his actions on his wrists and he would feel bile rising in his throat. He would feel bitter and angry at what he had done. But the worst feeling of all was knowing that he had to cover it up. Knowing that he couldn't tell his best friend. Knowing that he had to go out there and pretend that nothing had happened, that nothing was wrong. He unlocked the stall door and slowly walked to the sink. He rinsed the blood off of his wrists, pulled his sleeves back down, and splashed cold water on his face. He looked in the mirror, straightened his tie, and set off back for class.


	3. Chapter 2

Blaine walked into the classroom just as the end of day bell was sounding. He walked between all the students rushing to get to their rides home and went to pack up his things. He folded up his half complete notes-he would copy the rest from Kurt or David-and stuffed them into his bag. He swept his arm over the desk, shoving his pencils and erasers into his bag as well. Kurt, who obviously was staying behind to walk out with Blaine, sashayed over.

"Where did you run off to in such a hurry?" he asked as Blaine slung his bag over his shoulder

"Just had to go to the washroom." Blaine said, plastering a smile onto his face

"Ok... it just looked like you left in kinda a hurry" Kurt pressed on, Blaine assumed what he hoped was an innocent face. Blaine didn't think he was really buying it, but if Kurt was suspicious he didn't show it, he obviously decided to just let it go. "Alright then. I'm kinda sick of coffee, so could we maybe hit one of our houses instead of the Lima Bean today?"

"Um, yeah, ok, that should be fine... It's just, my parents are probably both still at work and I don't want to interrupt them with a phone call but I think they would probably want to know if I was going to have someone over, I just wouldn't want to take the chance and-" Blaine shut his mouth as he realized he was babbling. Either Kurt was choosing to look past Blaine's behaviour, or he was simply totally oblivious to it, as he showed no sign that something was out of the ordinary

"Yeah that's totally fine. I'm sure my Dad will be fine with it, and if he isn't, Carole will talk some sense into him" Kurt grinned and walked towards the door. "Well come on then!" he said, waving his hand in a gesture for Blaine to follow, and then he turned and headed out to his car, Blaine at his heel.

The car ride to the Hummel household was an easy one. Blaine's problems seemed to melt away. Kurt chattered on and on about school, friends, the latest gossip, clothing, the latest eye rolling moment that Finn had induced, anything and everything, Kurt shared it with Blaine. Blaine nodded and gave words of advice where that was needed, laughed at the funny bits, threw in his two cents on the latest fashion trend that was hitting, and even added a few anecdotes of his own. These were the moments in their relationship that Blaine loved the most. The easy moments when it was just the two of them, no drama, where they could just enjoy each other's company. They were comfortable with each other, they clicked together. They were alike enough that they could relate and share opinions, but not so alike that they were exactly the same. Both boys genuinely loved spending time with the other, and so both were a little bit sad when Kurt turned into the Hummel driveway. It broke them out of their bubble and brought them back to reality.

They climbed out the doors of Kurt's car, both leaving their schoolbags. They walked together up to the front door, which Kurt opened without hesitation, entered straightaway, throwing a quick, slightly bemused 'come on in' for Blaine, who wanted to keep up his manners and not just enter the house without an invitation. Both boys were slipping off their shoes-not a small task for Kurt, who was wearing tall, lace up boots-when a voice came from the kitchen.

"Hey Kurt, so since I sat through your fashion walk video last night, which I was happy to do and all, I was just thinking tonight you could watch the game with me?" Burt Hummel stopped abruptly when he saw Blaine was there too "I see we have company" Burt said, in an entirely different tone

"Yeah Dad, I was just going to let you know, I invited Blaine over for a little while... I hope that's ok" Kurt looked hopeful, willing Burt to be ok with Blaine being over. Burt shuffled his feet

"Yeah, I suppose that'll be alright, you staying over for dinner?" He asked, nodding towards Blaine, who stammered awkwardly a few things about not wanting to impose. Kurt rolled his eyes pointedly in Blaine's direction. Blaine smiled slightly before agreeing to stay over. "Alright, good then. You boys can go upstairs now" Kurt smiled and ran up the stairs leading Blaine to his room. "Keep the door open, boys! No exceptions!"

"Daaaaad" Kurt groaned, turning a bright shade of scarlet, avoiding eye contact with Blaine. Burt gave Kurt what he obviously meant to be a meaningful look, and Kurt turned and scurried up quickly the rest of the way to his room with Blaine beside him, turning to give Burt a respectful nod, before following Kurt.

Kurt launched into the air, landing chest down on his bed. Blaine couldn't help but laugh at the boy who, if he was anywhere else, would probably perch himself daintily on the edge of the bed in order to keep up his appearance. Kurt blushed at the laughter and made an effort to straighten up a little bit.

"Don't worry about it" Blaine said, still with some laughter in his voice. But Kurt still sat up straight and pulled at his top until he was satisfied that it was perfect. Blaine sat down on the side of the bed and crossed his legs. "So..." he began "Why did your Dad want you to have your door open?" Kurt's blush grew even brighter

"Well.. Um.. I guess he probably thought that you and me were, like, together and he didn't want us to... do anything. He does that whenever Finn has someone over too" Kurt bit his lip

"But Finn's not gay" Blaine said, sounding confused. Kurt didn't seem to understand at first, and it took a moment before the understanding dawned on him

"Oh! You think it's because we're both gay that he doesn't want anything! No, that's not it at all! He's just all about the "Don't do it until you're ready, You matter, Don't give yourself away until you're sure they're 'the one'" plus he's my dad and would like to think that I'm still six years old. It's got nothing to do with the fact that we're both guys, my dad's actually really cool about that all. He treats me and my relationships the same as he would treat Finn and his" Kurt gushed out. After a moment his eyes widened "Not that we're in a relationship or anything but my dad wouldn't know that all he would see is the possibility not that there is a possibility or maybe there is or-"Kurt rambled on but Blaine didn't seem to notice. He was staring at the bedspread. _Kurt's dad accepts him. He doesn't care. He doesn't think it's a flaw._ And then the panic started to happen. The edges of Blaine's vision started to go. His fingers began to twitch and Blaine had to use all his self control not to grab at his wrists, not to think that he deserved to feel this way. _NO! _He yelled in his head. _Not now! Please just not now! _Kurt seemed to notice that something was wrong. "Blaine... are you ok?" he asked uncertainly

"Yeah. I'm fine" Blaine whispered, but against his wishes his voice broke on the word fine. Kurt moved closer to him

"Tell me what's wrong Blaine" Kurt urged "Maybe I could help you. And we're friends. You are my **best** friend. Best friends help each other, just like you help me" Kurt was trying to be sweet but it just made Blaine feel worse. Kurt couldn't know. Your mentor wasn't supposed to be needing this much help, he couldn't be this weak, he had to be strong. For Kurt. "Tell me Blaine!" Kurt insisted. Blaine sat there, trying not to panic, trying to stay connected to reality, not knowing what to say

"BOYS" Carole's voice came from downstairs "DINNER'S READY" Blaine stood up from the bed, shaking slightly

"We should go. We don't want it to get cold" and with that he turned and left a very confused Kurt sitting alone on his bed. He was going to find out what was wrong; Blaine had been there for him, now he got to be there for Blaine. Kurt was determined; if Blaine was hurting then Kurt could help. He wasn't letting him off that easy. 


	4. Chapter 3

**THIS STORY INVOLVES SELF-HARM AND SELF-HATE. IT HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE TRIGGERING. DON'T READ IF THIS WILL BE AN ISSUE FOR YOU.**

Blaine flew down the flight of stairs from Kurt's room to the main floor. Kurt followed two steps behind him, desperately trying to get Blaine's attention. At the sound of the footsteps, Carole popped out from the kitchen.

"Come on boys, I don't want it to get cold! Kurt, I made your favourite, and I even remembered to use the low-fat cheese for you and the low-sodium seasoning for your father" Carole beamed at them as she spoke the words; her hair was slightly dishevelled, with some of what seemed to be alfredo sauce smeared on her cheek, but still glowing.

"I'm so sorry Mrs. Hummel, but I don't think I'll be able to stay for dinner" Blaine said politely, the waver to his voice barely distinguishable.

"Oh, that's not a problem sweetie, don't worry about it! I'm sure that your parents will have wanted you home by now, maybe another time" Carole's sweet, sympathetic voice just made Blaine feel worse.

Blaine gave the family a polite nod before heading towards the door. Carole smiled, said a farewell, and then beckoned for Kurt to come into the kitchen.

"I'm just going to say goodbye to Blaine" Kurt said shortly, before racing out the door behind him.

Blaine was already halfway across the driveway when Kurt came out.

"Blaine! Why won't you talk to me? What's wrong?" Kurt called out. Blaine stopped in his tracks and turned slightly. He made no sound. "Blaine, please talk to me. You're always helping me; maybe for once I can help you." Kurt's voice was small and scared. He looked so vulnerable, shivering from the cold, obviously distraught at the thought of Blaine being upset. It was this that helped Blaine to remember that he couldn't talk about it. He needed to be strong. His strength was an inspiration to Kurt. Blaine would be suffering whether Kurt knew about it or not, but by not telling Kurt what was wrong he was saving Kurt from his potential hurt. What he wanted their relationship to be didn't matter. Blaine was his mentor, and that's all he'd ever be.

"I'll see you later, Kurt" Blaine whispered before hurrying into his car. He kicked the car into gear and sped out of the Hummel driveway, taking one last look to see the beautiful, hurt, boy that he had left there.

_Look how much pain you've caused. You've done it again. Can't you please anyone? Can't you make anyone happy? All you do is cause pain. _The voice crept into the back of Blaine's head. The taillights of the cars around him began to seem much brighter than they were. He struggled to keep his hands on the wheel of the car and off of his suddenly itching wrists. _Disappointment_. _You are a disappointment to everyone. You don't even deserve a friend like Kurt. _No! He couldn't let this happen now, he had to get home. He had to stay safe. He wouldn't live through it if he let the attack get to its full force while he was driving, and he had to live. He had to stay safe, or at least seem safe, for Kurt.

He knew that Kurt would be asking questions tomorrow at school. He probably already had a dozen messages on his machine at home, but he couldn't bear to think about that right now. But right now he just had to get home.


End file.
